WELCOME TO OUR WEBSITE - JOIN US ON A JOURNEY!
Try: Alexa, play the podcast "Roaches Coaches"
Join us on a journey with Roaches Coaches, your local bus company that definitely needs your support.
A message from owner Keith Roache
Hello! Thanks for visiting the Roaches Coaches website!
We’re your local, family-run bus company, and we aim to provide you with a cheap and cheerful service to get you from A to B. We’ve been around for a long time - just like our buses - but we’re a good bunch.
The good people at FADS (Fintry Amateur Dramatic Society) approached us and asked if they could make a fly-on-the-wall radio show about our company so we said yes. All publicity is good publicity, right? Some of us have become quite famous and we've been inundated with messages - some of them good ones! If you want to stay in touch with me, please add me as a friend on Facebook. Send me a message to say hi!
Later on you'll find profiles of all our bus drivers and a few others who made their way into our show. Have a look and find your favourite!
Ready to go? Well, sit back in your seat, relax, plug your earphones in and enjoy a few episodes of Roaches Coaches. Click here to listen.
How to use our buses
A helpful guide by Senior Driver, Jimmy Galbraith
Right. Well, before you decide to take a trip on my bus, make sure you’re no reekin. I’ve to sit on that bus all day so the last thing I want is to get the boak. Some folk are just bowfin’.
Make sure you have the right money. I’m sick of bein asked for change for a £20 note for a £1.85 bus fare.
When you see the bus comin, stick yer hand oot in plenty time. If I don’t see you I might no stop. That wid be a good time to get your money oot as well. I’m on a tight schedule you know, I cannae wait for ages while you scrape aboot in yer purse lookin for 5p. The bakers shuts at 1.
Sit yer erse doon as quick as you can. When they doors shut, I’m aff. And when you want aff the bus, ring the bell and get oot yer seat. I’m no a mind reader.
That’s it. Keith told me to say I’m looking forward to you joinin us on a journey. But I’m no.
Driver Mags Neilson explains how we deal with lost property.
Hello boys! And girls. Keith asked me to write a bit about lost property because we get a lot of enquiries about that.
At the end of each night when we take the buses back to the depot the drivers do a full search to make sure nobody has left anything behind.
Stuff we find is taken to the big locked cupboard behind Keith’s office and it stays there until we get a call about it. It’s like an Aladdin’s cave in there.
Here’s a list:
CD: Scotland’s greatest tribute acts including Will I Amny, the Burro-Claimers and Kirkaldy-waddy
A copy of 50 Shades of Grey with lots of bits highlighted (by me, before I put it in the cupboard)
A set of pliers
4 mobile phones, none with any credit left
An empty Vitalite tub
A pair of fingerless gloves
3 wallets and 5 purses, none with any money left in
A full colostomy bag, tied at the ends
If any of these things are yours, and you are a single man looking for love then get in touch with me.
If you are a woman then phone the office instead.
:: click on the episodes below::
MEET THE PODCAST TEAM
Keith Roache (played by Nigel Pope)
Hello there! I'm Keith, and I'm the boss of Roaches Coaches. My great grandfather started the business a long time ago, and it's been handed down the generations time and again and now here I am in charge. To be honest, I wanted to be a high flyer in business but, well, we are where are. I'm awfully busy at the moment trying to sort out some, well, er, problems so I'll let the rest of the team introduce themselves. I'm very proud of them - over to you gang!
Carol Jackson (played by Sarah Walker)
'Ey up, I’m Carol - Office Manager at Roaches Coaches and Personal Assistant to Keith, the boss. I deal with all the bookings, the emails, the phone enquiries, staff wages….all that. I’ve worked here for a long time and, I tell ye, it’s always flipping freezing in this office. I’m rushed off me feet most of the time, but I do like to keep an eye on the eBay when I get a moment - oooh, and them sudoku things, I like them. I hope you have a good experience travelling on our buses and if you’ve got any questions, just give me a phone - I’m always happy to help.
Mags Neilson (played by Jeannie Woodburn)
Hello Boys! Are you looking for a woman that can drive you wild? Well try the next best thing - I can drive your bus. You don't need to try hard to pick me up, in fact you don't need to bother at all - I'll pick you up if you just stick your hand out at the bus stop. I’d make a great date for you - I’m a very cultured woman. I like pan-global cuisine - food cooked in pans from China, India, Chip shops - all of it. Interested? I don’t care what you look like - if you’ve got a pulse and some of your own teeth then flag me doon. I’m looking forward to joining you in a date. Er, I mean journey. Mags xoxox
Jimmy Galbraith (played by Kevin Boland)
Hullo there, I'm Jimmy. I hate writin' aboot masel on the Internet but Keith said we hud tae. Tell them aboot yer job he said. Weel, I'm a bus driver so that means I drive a bus. I stop at bus stops and pick up passengers. I used to be a minicab driver for Max's Taxis, and then I did a stint at Gus' Buses but Roaches Coaches is better - maist o' the runs go past Bunty's Bakers and I get a good discount on the pies in there. I love a pie, me.
Kenny Ferguson (played by Andy Barr)
Calm down ladies, I’m happily married.
And there’s no way I would look at another woman.
Love being married so I do.
Listen, there’s nae chance of me straying at all.
Marriage is sacred.
Even guys like me can love acrostic poems.
William Mcleod (played by Laura Cranstoun)
Hallo - ma name’s William. I’ve jist stertit warkin at Roaches Coaches - I cam doon fae Shetland to stay with my Auntie Carol and noo ahm in the big smoke driving buses. I canna believe it. Ma mither aye telt me no tae spik sae fast as folks canna unnerstan me but I canna help it, as am affa excitit. If ye get oan ma bus ye might need tae tell me the wey, as I get loast vary easily. I hivna really driven ony thing afore but dinna let oan tae Keith. It canna be that hard.
Laurence Oliver (played by Ian Kidd)
Hiya! I’m Laurence and I’m an actor - you’ve probably seen me in Productions at Bogside Drama Club. I’ve been Calamity John (in the all male production of the popular western which went a bit Brokeback Mountain), I’ve been Betty Swollox, the Panto dame in Dick Whittington and everybody raves about my Willy Wonka. But during the day I drive the buses for Roaches Coaches. I’ve never won any awards for this role but I know all my lines, well routes, and I’ve never crashed the bus like some folks I could mention. I like to lighten things up with a wee sing song when I’m on the bus, so when you board my bus, gimme a smile and I’ll give you a song. See yous!
Mark The Shark (played by John Steele)
Do you have money worries? Bad credit record? Debts up to your oxters? Been turned down by the bank?
Don't you worry - that'll come later. Just visit Great Whyte Finance today (Table 3, The Smugglers’ Rest, Canalbank Street, Bogside - ask for Mark The Shark). Don’t worry about forms, credit checks and contracts, The only red tape I’ve got is the stuff I use to tie your hands behind your back before I throw you in the canal when you don’t pay. Only joking. The tape’s black.
Gail Knight (played by Gerry Eckersley)
My employer sent me to this coach depot to carry out certain duties and I became entangled in this podcast. My experience here was not a good one - normally it is I that tests patients but in this case it was a bunch of lazy, cheeky, workshy fools that tested MY patience! But then I met one who was simply the cat's pyjamas!
Due to patient confidentiality I cannot say more. Goodbye.
The Narrator (Anna Foran)
So here's the thing my dears. I was in between acting gigs and my agent called me up and said she had a marvellous opportunity to become the voice in a fly-on-the-wall podcast. This could lead to great travel opportunities she said. I’ll admit I was rather hoping for Cannes - and Pony Club doesn’t pay for itself you know - so I said yes. Little did I know the travel opportunity meant I'd get a free bus pass for use with a down-at-heel bus company, run by chancers and desperados. I'm still available for other voice-over work - just phone Roaches Coaches and ask for me. Please.
Sam Yoffe (played by Sam Yoffe)
Hi, I'm Sam the Producer and Sound Engineer. I was sent in to the bus depot with a bag full of cables, some very high quality microphones and a multi pack of dark chocolate mint Kit Kats. My only instruction was to "make them sound fabulous and don't get in the way". I've had to record this motley crew on rumbling buses, airport walkways, noisy kitchens, gym studios, communal showers... You name it! I hope you'll agree that they sounds marvellous.
I'm much more used to working on sound design for the local Bogside Drama Club, where I won awards for the last 3 years running for "Most Realistic Panto Fart Sound Effects". I recorded them all myself you know. Thank-you Atkins Diet.
Busker Stu (Music composed and performed by Stuart Kidd)
Some years ago, there was a downtrodden busker with a guitar, a dog on a string and a cap full of coins performing outside the depot. Keith decided to invite him in for some hot soup and a chat and he became Musician In Residence at the Roaches Coaches garage. Since then, Busker Stu (Stuart Kidd in real life) has gone on to travel the world with many well known bands and musicians and appear on many radio shows nationwide. Credits include The Wellgreen, Dr Cosmo's Tape Lab, BMX Bandits, Gulp, Jonny and Euros Childs.. But his greatest honour has been being asked to write and perform the Roaches Coaches theme tune.
Roaches Coaches Podcast was written and directed by Ian Kidd, and was devised by Ian Kidd and Alex McDowall.